A friend e-mailed me this extremely disturbing video at work. I think he thinks I'm a lot more concerned with my single status and feels the need terrify me about finding love online...
Here's the transcript of what every other non-Serzone-addicted and functional American is thinking (God forbid this has gotten out of the country):
#1. Where's Miss South Carolina and that awful map answer because at least while she was failing the female species and living up to every pageant stereotype, she's smokin hot and perfectly lip glossed.
Setting: Apartment or hospital room
"Hello. My name is I-Just-Sucked-In-Every-Helium-Balloon-at-Party-City. I'm saying this is my first attempt at online dating bc I'm scared to say what I'm ab to confess about CATS has made every boy everrrr run away upon first meeting me making conventional dating impossible." (insert spastic fairy-like black finger painted hand waves and adjusting of her sports bra top, which even if she was Pam Anderson wouldn't make her look better after the word vomit she's ab to spew)
"I have no idea what I'm feeling and Heaven forbid I make a rational decision based on the state of my mental health, which would save me from the 720,463 and rising views of people who will confirm I am psycho."
"I'm just going to humiliate myself, family, friends, community, hairdresser and woman who slices deli meet at my local Publix, and hope I get replies." (o hun, replies? I'd bet my 401K that statement is the most understated of your young life)
"Villanova MBA is a joke and needs better recruiters/admission process."
(she looks away picking the perfect next few words)
"I love purring, scratching, finicky CATS." (insert: wait, what...)
"Sorry, this first attempt at making an online dating profile makes me so upset..." (noo. she's just upset bc she loves CATS. wait,what...)
(insert: black finger painted hands wiping away mascara she obviously didn't take the time to put on despite this desperate attempt to find a soul mate)
"Sorry, I just realllly love CATS." (insert: wait, what...)
"Blah, blah, I just want to. I want to." (insert: more spastic black finger painted hand waving bc she's somehow getting more upset ab loving CATS. wait, what...)
"I promised myself I wouldn't do this." (admitting this isn't a one-time emotional outbreak but a serious condition of hers)
"I'm a CAT-lover" (insert chest beating like Tarzan's gf, Jane)
"I'm redeeming myself somewhat bc I also love to run... Nope, just can't let this CAT thing go" (insert: wait, what...)
"Despite that people across America are without homes, I canNOT stop thinking ab soul-less CATS and how these 11-inch creatures will live without running water... And how their ears. and the whiskers. and the nose"
(Insert: At this point, I'm thinking this is a drinking game. Every cat reference means a sip, shot or something I am not in on. But I'm also hoping she'll pick up a hotel-looking glass tumbler full of a dark liqour known as Absinthe or at least Scotch.)
"I just love them and want them in a basket" (where is this going...) "with wittle bow ties" (ugly cry. ugly cry) "AND I WANT THEM TO BE ON A RAINBOW. and just in my bed. and instead of building shelters for natural disaster victims, I want to roll around with CATS."
She can no longer continue the online dating profile video she's self-producing bc either the memory of her 7th-grade crush denying her a dance to E. McCain's "I'll Be Your Crying Shoulder" is ripping her heart, the hidden IV pumping her Morphine has stopped or she's legitimately upset ab CATS...
Or she scared herself when she put CATS and rainbows in the same sentence
She's like the Justin Bieber of CAT world. She just wants some less lonely CATS.
That is my personal take on that video and this probs still single girl.
If that's what's online now, I'm thinking, there's either great or absolutely NO hope for souls like mine.
For goodness sake, keep calm and carry on.
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